Crit of latest draft
Opening Card
– Nice pacing of the text
– Sound behind the text is just audible enough
– Noise over the Title Card is maybe a bit cliché
Portadown Drive
– Opening card sound fades away nicely to reveal the near silence of the first shot
– Quite an interesting first image
– The moment the camera almost falls down and stops being held in a typical handheld documentary style way needs some kind of sound to make it seem more intentional, sound of hands on a camera or something
– The first sweep around the living room is maybe to quiet, maybe some foley would make it slightly more engaging
– The music comes in at a good time, right before the first section of voice-over
– ALL VOICE-OVER NEEDS TO BE RE-RECORDED
– ‘They’ve taken away the street signs and door numbers’ isn’t 100% true, most have been left, but maybe starting off on a half truth is a good way to set the stage of this not being a perfect representation of anything
– I do look very gormless in the first shot of me, but nothing I can do about that now
– The ‘memories’ steadily growing in volume as I walk through the space is much nicer than them all being at the same volume throughout
– When the drums start to peak the audio does get a bit crazy, might be best to bring this to a more acceptable level, I imagine that on any proper speakers it would sound horrible
– First time we get outside is really interesting, the music shift pairs well with the really alien looking, almost boggy looking, landscape
– I love the sun coming through the trees as I walk along the edge of the garages
The Dream
– This section nicely follows the last section I think
– What I say is a bit clunky but I know what I need to change it too
– Maybe the clip should come in sooner, I also still haven’t secured the rights to that clip
– The nightmare description should maybe be a bit more ominous sounding
Bodmin Walk
– I think trimming out the other interlude between the dream and Bodmin Walk does make things a little repetitive
– ‘After a while these houses all begin to feel the same’ gives away that it isn’t the same house, might be nice to move that till a bit later to let the audience be more confused as the living room, hallway and stairs do all seem like they could be the same house as Portadown, need to expand on the ‘Why should one feel different to another’ as this is the sentiment the whole film will end on, so would be good to get this point across nicely early on
– Audio is quite crackly, at the end this works nicely but shouldn’t be so prominent at the start of the clip as just sounds like a mistake
– The more spaced out and less frequent ‘memories’ work nicely to me as they do reflect how I have less memories from that house than the previous one, but maybe that doesn’t work so well in the pacing of the film, maybe it would be best to start with this house, then have portadown where there are more memories and then forfar where there are the most memories?
– The blur is really nice
Maisy’s Birthday Party
– Me wrestling and tripping over my sister is maybe too silly, it is the only shot from this footage where you can see the fireplace which is why I used it, it is also the fullest you ever see the living room which is in stark comparison with the rest of the footage in the film but I think maybe it isn’t the right tone, I don’t really want a laugh
– The wind audio paired with the blowing out of the candles shot I love
– The final shot of the sparklers in the potato on the dining table is perfect
Forfar Way/Pembroke Drive
– Nothing to say, I still haven’t properly started it yet
The Fence
– I think the slightly shorter shot of the fence with the subtle shrinking frame works better than the original, the voice-over will need to be trimmed to fit this but maybe it was too long in previous drafts
– It looks like there is a slight wobble which when paired with the shrink is a bit odd, a bit like a powerpoint transition so need to adjust this
– Needs some sound design
– I think the shot of me looking into the camera with the fence behind me is a good image to end on, don’t think there should be much voice-over over this shot as I think with the context of the whole film before it and the reveal that I never got back to my house in the previous shot my face kind of speaks for itself, the raindrops on the lens add to this
The Forest
– Me walking off at the end of the previous shot goes nicely into the forest shot, the audio going between the two is a great transition
– Might benefit from being digitally stabilized, could lead to some interesting artefacts and weird little glitches, but also might look too cinematic, so maybe it being quite bouncy is best
– Needs a short bit of voice-over before the music starts (the current song is just a standin as I want something original but in that ballpark)
– A score that is more musical than it has been previously will work really well in this section and highlight the difference between this clip and the rest of the film
Christmas in 2 Forfar Way
– A nice sentimental final image
– People have all requested more archive and I think this is a good way to give a little more but not too much that it gets boring – it is quite a formula now though, present day house then archive, then another present day house then more archive, then another present day house, the fence and forest sequence and then more archive, so maybe this is too predictable to really be Debordian montage any more
– Weird line in the footage from the lighting effect, could leave it but might try and get rid of it
– Nice to have the music run over this and into the credits
Conor McBride 